I woke up this morning with a Ron Kenoly worship song playing in my head that I haven't listened to in months "Go Ahead." The lyrics say--if you catch hell, don't hold it, if you're going through hell, don't stop. Remember no weapon formed against you shall prosper...you're going through hell, go ahead cause you have authority over the enemy."
I jumped out of bed and started searching the house for my cd's that I moved when we were getting ready for the carpetlayer to come. I finally found the cd, popped it in, and was so blessed by the words of all the songs on this cd. It has been rough lately. It feels like all Tom and I do is work. I never even dreamt--in my wildest dreams--of working this hard. I heard a sermon once on people needing a "payoff"--in other words, it is human nature to seek rewards for our efforts. I tend to say "how long, God?" When is that wide open place coming? In my heart I know that in this world we will have trial and tribulation, but in my head I want to wake up in a fairy tale world of no problems, time for the things I want, and complete financial and physical security.
Yesterday, I met with some church friends to plan a baby shower. They were wanting to e-mail me and noticed I wasn't on FB anymore. They asked why. I said I do too much comparing myself to others, and it stresses me out! They said we don't stress you out, do we? It's so hard to explain...this place I'm in, but I have a certain goal that I haven't reached in life. It is for a place where I wake up and feel content in my body (not overweight, stressed out or with deformed feet), with $10,000 in checking and $$millions in investments, content in all my relationships, happy, able to do anything I choose to do that day whether it be helping others or actually taking care of myself a bit. Is this the definition of heaven? Can that goal actually be attained in this life? I hope so. I love God with all my heart, I'm not a selfish person, I've given my whole adult life for others, and I just want to quit wandering in the desert (40 years) and reach the promised land. Here! Before heaven!!! For now, today I will celebrate that I'm not where I want to be, but I'm not where I was. If I can't have what I want (yet), I will love what I have.
Ron Kenoly is now singing "Welcome Home"--another great song celebrating being in my Father's house.
