There have been several defining moments, or turning points in my adult life. After a crisis that is difficult to overcome, there comes a time when one "turns a corner" through a natural process of healing, a sudden deliverance, or a revelation that life is worth living again. I believe that I have just reached another of those defining moments. In my adult life, there have been two other times of great crisis--when my first husband and I divorced, and when my mom died last summer. The latest crisis has been over an estate disagreement with a non-family member.
As any crisis or grief goes...it tends to consume your life. There is seemingly nothing else that matters, or that you can even think about during the time. Everything points in one direction--what is wrong. You wake up with bad dreams, night sweats, panicky feelings, and then in the daytime, all thoughts turn toward either solving the problem, or managing your emotions, or even just putting one foot in front of another.
But then one day, a crack in the blackness appears, and a light shines through. It may just be a small glimmer of light at first, or it may appear as a whole glorious day dawning, but when that light permeates the darkness and hope comes again, life takes on meaning again. Praise the Lord! And I have found in these terribly difficult circumstances I can pray and pray, I can use every tip in the book to try to overcome out-of-control emotions, read and watch all the latest advice on healing and stress-relief, and try every possible thing to hasten the process, but then God applies the healing balm of Gilead in the heavenly realm, and a defining moment--a turning point--happens. For this I am grateful...for a never-ending, never-giving-up LOVE that knows just when to deliver His precious child from the storm of life. Maybe He has been waiting on my revelation that life is indeed more than the crisis at hand, or maybe He just knows when intense suffering should end, or maybe He was just waiting on me to pray for the person who is opposing me. His ways are higher than my ways. All I know is that I feel a calm, a peace, an understanding, a revelation that God "has this," and this too shall pass. In fact, it already has. A new day has dawned,, the sun is shining brightly, and I have so much hope that my future is much brighter than the recent past.This situation will no longer define me. God has important work for me to do, and He needs me to trust in Hiim and in His mightly power to accomplish His purposes through me.
When people say "trust in Jesus" it can sometimes feel like a shallow statement. If you can truly trust in Jesus, He will bring a defining moment that He is all that matters.
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
S-U-M-M-E-R
I was thinking the other day about the life of a teacher (because it has been my life for most of my adult life). Our "fiscal year" runs from August to May. Therefore, our summer begins when the last day of classes ends! Summer is a feeling for me, instead of a season. When I can let down my hair, wear scruffy clothes, work in the yard with no makeup, take a nap when I am needing a break, dream big dreams and write in my journal, and get out the grill every night--it is officially summer.
The last two summers weren't summers at all for me. Only the hot weather lined up with what summer should be. The rest was very difficult. Summer before last, I decided I would be a cripple someday if I didn't have both feet operated on for bunions. That "summer" brought Tom waiting on me hand and foot--no pun intended--as I hobbled to and from the bathroom with crutches, suffered bed-rest for two weeks before graduating to a wheelchair, and literally threw up my guts from allergies to three different prescription pain medications. There is no chance of me ever being addicted to pain medicine. I won't touch the stuff! Finally, healing happened by the power and grace of God, and school began again.
The school year 2011-2012 brought with it a decline in my mother's health. She had been valiantly fighting breast cancer, albeit a delayed start as she told herself it wasn't cancer for nearly two years before we found out. We prayed with all our might that she would beat it, but by April 2012, it was recurring in her brain and spine and was too hard to take care of her at home. We found an available nursing home. Mom was bedridden and died June 29th of 2012. So began the saddest summer ever of my life as we made decisions she hadn't wanted to make:
*end of life issues at the hospital
*where to bury her
*funeral plans
*what to do with the house and her possessions
*how to handle her not having a will
and then figuring out:
*how to thank all the people who gave us overwhelming support
*how to honor her memory yet somehow still keep functioning for our spouses, families and in our workplaces
We all made it through the year, and through all the "first" holidays without her. Fourth of July without her homeade ice cream, her birthday August 27th without being able to give her gifts, my first birthday in 55 years without my mom making me a cake, Thanksgiving without her pecan pie, and Christmas without loads of beautiful gifts in gift bags, the green lace tablecloth adorning an opulent table full of scrumptious appetizers, and Christmas touches everywhere in her home.
When winter break came, and the deadline I had set for myself starting to pack so we could list the house, I was overwhelmed with new grief! Particularly because I missed the "old" mom I had before her new marriage to Don in 2005. That was really the point at which I lost my mom because we never had another conversation alone except on the telephone. She and Don were always together and I couldn't get her to do something with me alone. I guess he was her protector and because she was getting married for the 3rd time, she wanted to make sure it worked. With waves of grief intermingled with memories and seeing things I hadn't seen in 30-40 years, I began the arduous process of sorting out what to keep, what to give away, and what to sell. Thanks to the support of two wonderful brothers, a wonderful husband, and three wonderful children and their spouses, I survived! Fast forward to spring/summer of 2013. It has been a whirlwind of being busy. Never before have I "needed" a summer as I need this one. Time to regroup, get a new perspective, and start year #2 on June 29th--without mom.
Summer plans are: teach summer reading!, plant beautiful plants and herbs, plant grass in the bare spots, deep clean the house, read in the hammock, go to the pool for memorable times with Chelsea, Carson, and Easton, have fun with Michelle, travel to Phoenix to see/hug Cameron and Kelly and help them get ready for the baby, go to Branson to spend some time with Dad, Carolyn, Rod, and Linda, ride my new bike, and try some new recipes--grillin' time.
S-U-M-M-E-R.
The last two summers weren't summers at all for me. Only the hot weather lined up with what summer should be. The rest was very difficult. Summer before last, I decided I would be a cripple someday if I didn't have both feet operated on for bunions. That "summer" brought Tom waiting on me hand and foot--no pun intended--as I hobbled to and from the bathroom with crutches, suffered bed-rest for two weeks before graduating to a wheelchair, and literally threw up my guts from allergies to three different prescription pain medications. There is no chance of me ever being addicted to pain medicine. I won't touch the stuff! Finally, healing happened by the power and grace of God, and school began again.
The school year 2011-2012 brought with it a decline in my mother's health. She had been valiantly fighting breast cancer, albeit a delayed start as she told herself it wasn't cancer for nearly two years before we found out. We prayed with all our might that she would beat it, but by April 2012, it was recurring in her brain and spine and was too hard to take care of her at home. We found an available nursing home. Mom was bedridden and died June 29th of 2012. So began the saddest summer ever of my life as we made decisions she hadn't wanted to make:
*end of life issues at the hospital
*where to bury her
*funeral plans
*what to do with the house and her possessions
*how to handle her not having a will
and then figuring out:
*how to thank all the people who gave us overwhelming support
*how to honor her memory yet somehow still keep functioning for our spouses, families and in our workplaces
We all made it through the year, and through all the "first" holidays without her. Fourth of July without her homeade ice cream, her birthday August 27th without being able to give her gifts, my first birthday in 55 years without my mom making me a cake, Thanksgiving without her pecan pie, and Christmas without loads of beautiful gifts in gift bags, the green lace tablecloth adorning an opulent table full of scrumptious appetizers, and Christmas touches everywhere in her home.
When winter break came, and the deadline I had set for myself starting to pack so we could list the house, I was overwhelmed with new grief! Particularly because I missed the "old" mom I had before her new marriage to Don in 2005. That was really the point at which I lost my mom because we never had another conversation alone except on the telephone. She and Don were always together and I couldn't get her to do something with me alone. I guess he was her protector and because she was getting married for the 3rd time, she wanted to make sure it worked. With waves of grief intermingled with memories and seeing things I hadn't seen in 30-40 years, I began the arduous process of sorting out what to keep, what to give away, and what to sell. Thanks to the support of two wonderful brothers, a wonderful husband, and three wonderful children and their spouses, I survived! Fast forward to spring/summer of 2013. It has been a whirlwind of being busy. Never before have I "needed" a summer as I need this one. Time to regroup, get a new perspective, and start year #2 on June 29th--without mom.
Summer plans are: teach summer reading!, plant beautiful plants and herbs, plant grass in the bare spots, deep clean the house, read in the hammock, go to the pool for memorable times with Chelsea, Carson, and Easton, have fun with Michelle, travel to Phoenix to see/hug Cameron and Kelly and help them get ready for the baby, go to Branson to spend some time with Dad, Carolyn, Rod, and Linda, ride my new bike, and try some new recipes--grillin' time.
S-U-M-M-E-R.
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